How to Have the First Divorce Talk (Kind, Clear, Doable)
- Beth Carrier
- Sep 11
- 4 min read
The moment before the words
If you’re here, you’re probably carrying a knot in your stomach and a million “what-ifs.” Take a breath. This guide gives you a calm, 30-minute plan and simple scripts so that first conversation is honest, respectful, and not a grenade.
Ground rules (so you don’t blow up your life)
Short & scheduled. Ask for 30 minutes, not a marathon.
Neutral setting. Private, no audience, no alcohol, no kids in earshot.
One goal. Clarity about what you need next, not fixing the entire marriage tonight.
No history dump. Stay in the present and near future.
Kind + direct. “I” statements, not blame.
Pause > push. If emotions spike, take a break and book a follow-up.
How to have the divorce talk — the 30-minute plan
Minute 0–5: Set the tone
“I care about you and our family. I want to talk for 30 minutes about where we are and what I need next. I’m not here to fight.”
Minute 5–10: Say your truth, simply
Pick the script that fits (below). One or two sentences. Then stop talking.
Minute 10–20: Listen + reflect
“I hear you saying ____. Did I get that right?”
No defending, no debating, just clarity.
Minute 20–30: Next step, not final step
“I’d like us to schedule time with a neutral (mediator or counselor) to talk options. Would you be open to that?”
Pick a day/time before you end the conversation.
When you’re wondering how to have the divorce talk, remember it’s not about solving everything in one night—it’s about starting with clarity and kindness.
Quick explanation for “neutral”
What I mean by “neutral.”
A neutral is a professional who doesn’t take sides—think mediator (focus: logistics, decisions, agreements) or therapist/counselor (focus: relationship health and communication). A neutral isn’t your attorney or a judge and doesn’t make decisions for you; they create a calmer room and a clear process so you two can make them. Not legal advice—just structure and support.
Copy-paste scripts for different situations
If you’re unsure but worried
“I’m not ready to make a final decision, but I’m not okay with how things feel. I want us to get clarity—with help—so we can decide our next step.”
If you’re leaning toward separation
“I don’t want to hurt you. I also can’t keep living like this. I want to talk about a respectful separation and how we could do that with care.”
If you want counseling first
“Before we decide anything permanent, I want us to try six counseling sessions with a clear focus: communication and money. Will you try that with me?”
“I’m scared about the finances too. That’s why I want a calm plan—house, bills, kids’ costs—on paper with a neutral, so neither of us panics.”
If your partner tends to explode
“I’m not here to accuse you. I’m asking for a calm 30 minutes and then a break. If it gets heated, let’s pause and pick it up tomorrow with help.”
If your partner shuts down
“I know this is a lot. I’m asking for ten minutes of listening now and then we can take a break. Can we schedule a time to continue?”
If you’ve raised it before and nothing changed
“I’ve brought this up before and I didn’t follow through. I’m following through now. I want a plan and I want a neutral in the room.”
Sensitive issues (a note)
Sometimes there are other factors—like new relationships, secret debts, or things that feel explosive. If that’s the case, it’s often best not to share them in the first talk. Instead, wait until you’re in a safe, structured setting with a professional (mediator, counselor, or therapist) who can help hold the conversation steady.
What not to do (learned from many flies on many walls)
Don’t announce it during a fight, at bedtime, or before work.
Don’t do it by text.
Don’t involve the kids, friends, or parents first.
Don’t threaten (“I’ll take everything”) or bargain with the kids/house.
Don’t try to settle every detail tonight.
If safety is a concern
If you fear retaliation or violence, do not have this talk alone. Make a safety plan, choose a public place, or speak with a professional first. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-SAFE (7233) (or text "START" to 88788). You can also chat at www.thehotline.org.
Aftercare: what happens after the first talk
Take space. A walk. A shower. Hydrate. Your nervous system just ran a marathon.
Send a short follow-up text/email:
“Thank you for talking. I meant what I said about doing this with care. Here are two times that work for me to meet with a mediator/counselor: ___ or ___. Which works for you?”
Tell the kids later, together, with a script (if/when you decide). Keep it simple: “This is an adult decision. You are loved. Your routines matter and we’ll protect them.”
FAQ (fast answers)
What if they refuse counseling or mediation?
“I’m moving forward with support because I want this to be respectful. I’ll share the information with you when I have it. But if you change your mind, I would love for you to join me.”
Should we talk to a mediator or a therapist first?
Therapist if the goal is exploring reconciliation.
Mediator if the goal is exploring how to separate with the least harm (logistics, budgets, timelines).
What if I panic and backpedal mid-talk?
“I’m overwhelmed. I still need us to get help. Can we pause for tonight and pick it up with a neutral?”
Explore your options—no pressure.
You don’t have to do this alone. I help couples have hard conversations kindly and make practical next-step plans—house, kids, money, timelines—without the courtroom drama and expense.
Book your free 30-minute Consultation to learn how mediation works and whether it fits your situation.
